I am numb.  After awhile it’s difficult to really process all that’s been going on around you – I just blank out at times and either my husband or a bright light or noise will snap me out of it back to a reality I wish belonged to someone else, or better yet, to no one at all. 

Narcissistic Borderline Personality Disorder.  This is my Mother’s official diagnosis, however, since she didn’t come up with it, I’m certain she doesn’t believe it describes her.  Rather, she’d prefer to come up with something even more embellished…perhaps, ‘Self-Absorbed  Conniving Bitch’ .  Ah, no, that would be my description.  I know one thing for sure – as long as it’s all about her, she’s happy, or some version of her happy which seems to include controlling every thing; human or otherwise around her (or not even around her).

Which brings me to the Oreos…and Chocolate Marshmallow ice cream…which were preceded by several deep-fried breaded shrimp and a cheddar bay biscuit or two.  I just needed a drug, you know?  Smoking is out of the question – it was way too hard to finally kick the habit, so, my drug of choice last night was food and it was good.  It was satisfying.  I was aware I was bingeing and that’s an accomplishment itself. 

People binge and it doesn’t mean you’re crazy or out of control.  I’ve reached the point that if I must have it I will and it isn’t the end of the world.  I’m back on low-carb today and plan to stay that way for the duration.  No planned binges in my future but I’m fairly certain Thanksgiving will include some pie.

Ah, the holidays – what a lovely way to bring all the dysfunction to one home!  This year, hubby and I are planning on just having each other and if someone wants to come by and celebrate with us, that’s fine.

I find myself thinking about these sorts of things a lot lately since trying to actually feel my emotions rather than eat them.  It’s as if the extra weight on my body is evidence of all the times I haven’t let fear, pain, sadness, anger, etc., come to the surface – evidence of my stuffing the emotion of the day down with food.

I have a friend that I love dearly but I’m unable to share this journey with – because a lot of what has helped to wake me up from my food coma has come from a source she’s uncomfortable with.  I recently shared many of the feelings and emotions that I’ve been experiencing with her - my realization of my abuse of food as a drug, not looking forward to anything as much as my next sweet, dessert or meal, that food had become the highlight of my life, etc.  Her response made me feel as if what I was sharing was invalid – I felt at one point like I was trying to convince her of my true feelings.

Isn’t this the point?  I’ve been ‘asleep’ for years in a food haze.  Of course my true emotions or feelings that I am carefully allowing to surface seem fraudulent – I haven’t been ‘myself’ – whatever that is – ever!

I find myself in a defensive space, even when it comes to my job.  Questions like ‘are you making any money at Avon?’ make me have a ‘deer-in-the-headlights’ moment.  My mind and heart begin to race (thank you anxiety disorder), thinking of ways to validate why I’m staying with Avon, how much money I usually make a month, when the question itself made me feel, in a word, shitty.  And, it also made me feel challenged, kind of like what was really being asked was: ‘why do you stay with Avon when you’re clearly not making enough money and get a real job?’  Okay, so maybe I’m embellishing, but it’s how I feel, and that’s what it’s all about lately according to my Spiritual Advisor/Shrink – I need to allow myself to feel, to cry, to get angry and not stuff it all down until I explode into a fit of rage.

And, a good part of me wants to say Forget That!  I’ve been doing just fine not feeling!  Look at me!  I’m a successful businesswoman!  I’m married, have a house and a car!  I have animals that I love and that love me back unconditionally!  I’m living the American Dream!  Except for one little thing…I’m fat and an emotional eater.  Because I can’t properly express my feelings, I eat them instead.

That’s where I am right now, sifting through my feelings about myself and food – eating when I’m hungry, eating what I want when I’m hungry, stopping when I’m full.  Believing that my last meal won’t really be my last meal.  Much like when I quit smoking, I have to remind myself that there are other joys in life besides food.  Thing is, you don’t need cigarettes but you do need food. 

I am learning that food isn’t a replacement for feeling.

Easier said than done.

After my 44 and 1/2 years I think I’m finally starting to get that diets really don’t work and that I’ve been unconscious for a good portion of my life as it pertains to my use of food as a drug.

I read “When Food is Love” by Geneen Roth when it was first published and it did at that time resonate on some level with my psyche.  I went on to read every book she had written after that and began to apply her guidelines – which are (I’m paraphrasing):

Eat when you’re hungry; eat what you want when you’re hungry; eat in full view of others while sitting down; eat without any distractions (i.e. in front of the T.V.);  stop eating when you’re full.

Simple enough, but not to someone who wasn’t ready to hear it, or wasn’t in touch with herself whatsoever at the time.

I remember bingeing on candy, cookies, anything sweet but I didn’t exactly know when to stop eating.  I eventually gave up and went back on 20 or more diets (including my latest low-carb venture).

Which brings us to the present.

I was in my local Barnes & Noble a little over a month ago and saw Geneen’s new book: ‘Women, Food and God’.  Curious, I picked it up and began reading through the first chapter.  Intrigued, I bought it and read the rest in two days, feeling like I had reconnected with an old friend; someone who really got what it was to eat to numb whatever emotion you’re trying to avoid at any given time.

I asked myself many questions, the most pressing ones being ‘when have I ever had a food memory’?  Or, when have I truly remembered what I just put in my mouth, chewed and swallowed?  When have I ever stopped to enjoy what was on the plate in front of me?  When did I stop long enough to enjoy what I had in my mouth instead of thinking of what I was going to eat next?

What’s it like to not look at food as the only enjoyment in my life?

Sure, I enjoy lots of things like taking care of my animals, my Avon business, time with my husband, etc.  I look forward to those times, but food is always in the back of my mind: what am I going to have for dinner?  when do I get to eat again?  Or, anticipation about my next dessert or sweet like it’s the second coming of Christ.

So, for the past week or so I’ve slowly been ‘waking up’ from my food coma and tonight was a true awakening when I was at a potluck dinner (I brought a tossed salad and a package of Oreos).  I realized when I got there that I wasn’t hungry and instead of eating I sat down and enjoyed the conversation, taking home leftovers for later.  When I got home I was hungry so I made myself a plate, sat down and ate without any distraction and concentrated on enjoying what I was eating.

Much like trying to concentrate when you’re praying, reading, mediating, I found my mind wandering in and out of what I call ‘food conciousness’, constantly reminding myself to come back and create a food memory.  I close my eyes and savor what I’m chewing, really thinking about what it is I’m eating and this helps to know when I’m physically full and to listen to my body when it’s had enough.

What many people take for granted I have to concentrate on creating so I can get on with my life and not abuse myself with food.  Food has been a lover, friend, confidant, mother, distraction, void-filler, excuse, painkiller, unconditional love, God and whatever else I need to avoid what it is I am truly wanting but can’t or won’t allow myself to have.

It’s a life-long learned behavior that I’m unlearning – food isn’t a hug, or a touch, or a replacement for love.  There is more to life than my next hot-fudge sundae.

So, I hope to continue successfully on this journey and blog about it here.  I will ‘shrink’ eventually to a weight my body is comfortable with but that isn’t the ultimate goal.  The goal is to be loving to myself, others and forgive myself if I make a mistake along the way, to remember to be mindful and create not only food memories but memories of truly enjoying my life.

Any frustrations that I’ve had on South Beach / aka my version of low-carb…pretty much the typical stresses everyone goes through when focusing on a different eating plan than the mainstream. I get frustrated at times when dining out when choices are limited. I am pretty creative but it gets a bit challenging when you’re given no choices at a restaurant. In that case I’m always prepared with Atkins bars, nuts, cheese sticks or an apple (a low Glycemic Index food) in my purse.

I do plan when I’m going to go off the plan and the times that I have I have actually regretted it because I end up having such a carb crash it ends up almost not worth it. The last time was on Saturday, I had a couple of slices of pizza and an hour later I couldn’t stop yawning! I could have fallen asleep – all from the white flour in the pizza crust.

To me, I’d rather take the time to make a whole wheat pizza crust, or better yet, one of my recipes lately has been to use a low-carb tortilla shell as a pizza crust – it’s pretty much a flatbread pizza crust, it tastes great and it doesn’t leave me yawning.

Dining out just doesn’t have it’s appeal anymore unless I know there’s a great low-carb meal I can get there. For example, the Cheesecake Factory is a great place for me as not only do they serve breakfast all the time (read: have the California Omlette, soooo goood!) they have low-carb cheesecake!!! HOW COOL IS THAT????

The bottom line is I feel better than I ever have and I’m not so tired anymore. That alone motivates me to keep on keeping on.

I welcome more comments and questions! I’m glad someone is reading!

I made mac-n-cheese with a side of cheesy broccoli and some Rotisserie chicken – it was a great dinner tonight! 

So, with that, here is the recipe: 

Mac-n-Cheese: 

Yummy Yummy!

1/2 pound Dreamfields low-carb pasta cooked and drained
1/2 brick Velveeta cheese, cubed
1 cup 2% milk
1/2 stick butter
1 tsp Thick it Up powder 

Melt butter in medium sauce pan and add milk over a medium-low flame. Stir and heat for 2 minutes and then add cheese cubes slowly, stirring constantly until melted. Add Thick it up powder and whisk mixture until it begins to bubble and thicken. Once cheese sauce reaches desired thickness, pour over pasta and serve. 

Use this sauce over veggies or whatever you can think of! You can also make an Alfredo version using one cup of freshly grated parmesan instead of the velveeta.

I finished my last sugar-laden Christmas cookie at 11:50pm with some milk and savored every last bite.  My next cheat day comes quickly on December 31st with a toast at the end of the night with more sugar-laden goodness (mmmm eggnog) to the New Year.  This year I resolve not to make any resolutions!

After a Hell On Earth pleasant shopping day I’m having dinner with my brother and hubby at Uno Chicago Grill as my dear brother is sharing a gift card he received for Christmas with us.  I’m thinking I’ll have the Cobb salad, hold the carrots – it comes with an avocado-ranch dressing which sounds pretty great to me.

Yum Yum

Back I go onto low-carb, the journey that has been serving me well these past few months.  No more sugar crashes, night sweats, or hot flashes.  So many good reasons to stay on-board.

I’m also fitting into sizes at Old Navy which is an odd thing for me.  In ‘normal diet mode’ (if there is such a thing), I’d think ‘wow, that’s cool, I can shop at the NORMAL stores now!’  In low-carb-trying-to-feel-better-about-myself and get off of the CPAP machine mode I’m more apt to think or try to think: “Hm, okay, how should I feel about this?’  ‘Cool that I don’t have to go to the ‘fat lady’ store anymore yet, wow, I want to go back into my hidey-hole right now!’

I’m complicated eh?

With that, I will share that my new Old Navy size 18 jeans that I just bought a few weeks ago now come off without unzipping…I haven’t seen a size 18 in years, many years.

Was that a brag?  Yeah, it was…old habits die-hard.

So today is Christmas and I’ve managed to have my few planned cheats – last night I had some Christmas Cookies that a friend of mine baked for me – I had asked her last year in fact to remember me as they were so good!  Just one of each kind that you make please and she obliged – she’s cool that way – Hubby and I shared half last night and will finish off the other half tonight!  Then it’s back on the plan until New Years Eve…then no more cheats until my Birthday (which is February 18th on which I will be turning 39 AGAIN!  it’s uncanny how that keeps happening!!!)

I find that if I plan my ‘cheats’ it keeps me sane….sorta

And now, here’s my recipe for Low-Carb Apple Crisp – I’ll be serving it with No-Sugar Added Butter Pecan Ice Cream:

Low Carb Apple Crisp

Ingredients

I belong to an Atkins, South Beach and Shrink Yourself mailing list and all three have inundated me for the past two weeks with emails on how to cope with Thanksgiving Day.

Oh, My, God!  How I am I going to cope!!!???  The evil turkey and dressing!  The sugar-laden cranberry sauce!  The evil-induced pumpkin pie that’s going to send me straight to Hell without a Handbasket!!  Whatever will I do!?

Here’s my advice: CHILL OUT!  It’s one day out of the year that has been so overblown into an eating frenzy everyone has forgotten it’s about being thankful and hey, whatever happened to those pilgrims anyway?  And how about those Native Americans?  No one talks about coping with them anymore in those handy emails do they?

And how about coping with sleepy men on your sofa watching football while the women bitch and moan in the kitchen about cleaning up after a meal that lasted all of an hour (if that)?

Now there are some things to worry about coping with!

Thanksgiving – be grateful for the people you love around you, have some turkey, a bit of the foods you don’t get to have everyday.  Share some conversation about what you’re grateful for in your life.  Look lovingly at the snoring men on the sofa.  Embrace the soap bubbles in your hands as the women surround you with their laughter and banter about the upcoming Holidays.

It’s not about the food, it’s not about controlling what you’re going to eat that day, it’s not about making it through the day on 1,200 calories, it’s not about any of that.  It’s about loving you and those around you.

Enjoy.

My advice?  Get the regular wings with the bone-in as they’re not breaded, saving yourself the peeling work.

Or you could always order pizza with no bottom (kidding…or am I?)

I still feel like I’m back in the days of when I quit smoking and I’ve lost my membership card in the world of sugar-eaters.  I’ve had so many reactions from ‘well that’s no fun’ to ‘oh, it won’t work’.  Why is it some of us can’t stand the idea of someone bettering themselves or seeing someone doing really great at something?  I try and share how great I’ve been feeling without sugar and their eyes glaze over in confusion.  I don’t think they understand how it’s possible for me to be feeling this great, or maybe they’re afraid of their own failure should they try it, or maybe they’re jealous?

On to the Green portion…

I made my first pot of mixed greens yesterday – different types of chards and collards – hubby thought it tasted like grass, I loved it!

Here’s the recipe:

1 Large Bag mixed Greens (any type you like)

1 12 oz can Chicken Broth

1 tsp chopped garlic

1 tablespoon Olive Oil for sautéing

Salt and Pepper to taste

Heat a large pot on a medium flame for 2 to 3 minutes and add oil, coating bottom of pot.  Heat oil for about 45 seconds and add garlic and sauté for 1 to 2 minutes.  Add greens and mix to coat with oil and garlic, sautéing until leaves are limp.  Adjust flame to low and add chicken broth and stir well to combine.  Cover pot and simmer for 10 – 15 minutes until chard is fork-tender, stirring occasionally.

Serves 4

We had the greens with turkey hot dogs with all the fixin’s!  Yum!

As promised, I did indeed make something with chicken today – Chicken Cacciatore over Dreamfield’s Penne Pasta.  I also made a low-carb version of my favorite salad dressing – 1,000 Island!

Ingredients for Chicken Cacciatore:

1 lb boneless, skinless chicken thighs (I don’t like white meat, however, feel free to use chicken breasts)

1 medium white onion, chopped coarsely

1 medium green bell pepper, chopped coarsely

1 Tablespoon Olive Oil (not Extra Virgin as it smokes too much – use Extra Virgin when you want the flavor, like in salad dressings)

1 Jar of your favorite low-carb spaghetti sauce (Yes, I know how to make my own, but why do that when there’s low-carb, great tasting sauces already out there? – it’s a great timesaver)

1 Box of Dreamfield’s low-carb Penne pasta

Heat medium-sized skillet for 2 minutes over a medium flame, then add oil to coat pan.  Heat oil in pan for one minute, then add chicken and sear on both sides for 3 minutes.  Add onion and green pepper and lower flame to medium-low and cover loosely so moisture can escape.  Heat chicken and vegetables for 15 minutes, turning chicken once.  Add jar of sauce, stir to mix through and turn flame to low.  Loosely cover pan and let simmer for 10 to 15 minutes, stirring occasionally.

While Chicken is simmering with sauce, cook pasta according to package directions and drain.  Return pasta to pan and coat with a thin coating of butter spray (about 10 sprays, my favorite is Smart Balance) and stir well.

Serve Chicken and sauce over pasta and top with some grated Parmesan or Romano cheese if desired.

Makes 4 servings.

Ingredients for Low Carb 1,000 Island Salad Dressing:

1/4 to 1/3 cup of low-sugar Catsup (I use one made with Agave Nectar)

1/2 cup of real mayonnaise (not anything light and definitely not miracle whip – real, full fat mayonnaise has the lowest carbs)

2 tablespoons Light Sour Cream

1 sugar-free Vlasic brand sweet pickle spear, chopped finely

1/4 of a small white onion, finely chopped

Salt and pepper to taste.

Mix all ingredients well in a small bowl – adjust ingredients to taste.  Use over your favorite salad, or use as a dip.

Makes about 6 or 8 servings.

If anyone tries these recipes, please let me know by making a comment!  Sometimes I feel like I’m typing to the wind.

I was talking with my Mom today and she asked when I was going to eat normal food again.  The above food/recipe seems normal to me and my husband loved it!

Does ‘normal food’ mean going back to eating high fructose corn syrup, and corn syrup in general, not eating low GI foods and just throwing all edible caution to the wind?  Why, no thank you, I’d rather eat the crazy food I’ve been eating for the past month!

If ‘crazy food’ is what I had for dinner tonight, bring on the straight jacket!  Better make that two straight jackets as the hubby ate it right along with me!

Funny to me how people in general feel a sadness or that part of their club has defected once an individual makes a choice to do something differently.  Especially if that person is threatened by change in any way. 

When I quit smoking it was like I lost membership in a club – it kind of feels the same way with low-carbing it.  I can almost see some friends and family drifting away the healthier or more sugar-free my food is getting.

Sugar-free is the new fat-free, however, I think sugar-free is what we all should have been doing long ago, back in the 1980′s when Susan Powter was telling us to ‘Stop the Madness’.

The madness is eating High Fructose Corn Syrup on a daily basis, and then adding a lethal dose of Trans-Fat on top of it.  Did you know that even if a label says 0 Trans-Fat it can still contain 0.5 grams of Trans-Fat per serving?  Gotta love the Government for making that loophole for big corporations to save money by using partially hydrogenated oils in our food because it’s cheaper for them to produce.

But the FDA cares about us.

Uh, yup.

Moral of the story:  read what’s in your food, not just the Nutritional label – if you see anything with the word ‘partially’ step away from the processed food.  In fact, throw it on the floor, because that’s where it belongs.

Here’s a great recipe for a High Fructose Corn Syrup and trans-fat-laden breakfast – pour yourself a bowl of Special-K Chocolate Delight – or don’t and join me on the crazy food train.